million little pieces

to help me remember things I don't wanna forget.

Month: April, 2012

“Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted. And experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer.”

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”

“The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.”

Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture.

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Glad it’s weekend.

In this current state, I’m glad that I’ve something to look forward to at the end of every week. Visitors.

I’ve been getting weekly visits from my parents since study week, and I’m grateful that it still continues until now, thanks to their postgrad classes every weekend in Perak.

Anyway, that feeling of relieved  when seeing their face, that safe, secure feeling around them, is really something that I cling about after a dull week I’ve had so far. Yeah, halfway there, the motivation, the spirit, the focus, and all.

Had talk with some of my closest friends, think I’m gonna take up their advice. I’ll try to open up more (though I really doubt it’s gonna happen soon). Will talk about that later, hopefully.

Mak and ayah, they’re not very keen with me still making this a big deal. What’s done is done, it’s not the end of the world, there’re other things happening in the world right now that makes this sooo not the-most-horrible-thing-that-has-happened. And I agree with that, except that, sometimes my brain just let my feeling ruled their kingdom.

So this visit is a way for me to reset things, see this in another perspective and straighten my mind, feelings and all. And be happy.

Yesterday we met Prof S. The first meeting before we start our weekly class, with take home message. “You will gain something from this, you just have to believe it”.

 

I don’t want to answer that.

Some times, I’ll be getting some message asking how am I doing, am I okay, how was my day, and stuff.

Honestly, I have no idea how I am supposed to answer all these. Cause I really don’t know how to put this (hands on chest)  in words and tell you about it.

This, is not okay. It wasn’t okay and it will not be okay. My day is not good. It doesn’t get better, you just learn to forget this as day goes by. But in the next morning, it is the same process all over again. I wake up in the morning, try not to think about ‘damn, I failed my pro’ and while maintaining thoughtless mind, I shower, I put on some clothes and I go to the ward, half heartedly. Those morning steps are the heaviest steps of the day.

So, no. I have no strength to tell you, yes I am okay now, I am better now, it was all in the past, I am bersemangat now. Because the answer is no.

I feel guilty and indebted for not answering phones, or replying your text messages.

In a way, I felt relieved cause I know I have friends who cares, and I am really glad that you still remember me down here. God knows I’m touched when you say you’ll be there for me, you’re just one phone call away, you’ll come visit, and many more.

But I just can force myself to pick up the phone and tell you that I’m okay now, picking up pieces and moving on happily. And I don’t want to lie to you either by telling you that I’m doing fine. But I’m also not gonna tell you that I’ve been hiding in my room all day, feeling sad for myself, and I know I should be strong now but I just don’t have the strength. You don’t want to know and listen to that everyday do you? and I totally understand cause you have a life to go on too. I honestly don’t want to burden you with this hard-to-get-over-with-pro exam feelings.

So if you ever wonder whether I am doing okay or not, this is my answer. Emotionally it is not okay, I am being reminded of this shortcoming almost every minute of my waking hour. It sucks, trust me. But I’m still breathing, eating, sleeping, going to the ward, studying, laughing, and lazying around. Fake, not fake, even I have no idea.

Jangan.

Jangan jadi orang yang bila sakit mengeluh tiada henti, bila sihat tidak hati-hati, bila disembuhkan sombong & bila diuji lalu putus asa.

Jangan putus asa.

Step 1

day 9

Today is Saturday, and I’ll be going back to school again this monday. In 2 days time, I’ll begin my 6 months extension of my final year or whatever they called it.

It’s been 9 days since the result and the pain still feel the same, except with no tears coming along. As of today, I am not ready to meet anyone see anyone or talk to anyone, anyone that might remind me of those day. And as of today, I am not ready to begin my journey back

They say they way you begin will determine how you end, thats what my orchestra coach would say to us, if thats true, that leaves me sunday to pull myself up together, pick up the pieces and let go of yesterday.

But i dont think letting go will be possible. To let go the day that make you feel like at the bottom of your life, that’s hard if not impossible. Oh god, the power of memory.

I don’t see the point here, not yet. Or is god trying to tell me something, or maybe this a bump in the road. A wall is built to stop people who doesnt really want it, and maybe im one of them. What ifs?

I know I should stop waiting for the days to come by and hope it’ll change
me. Instead I should start right now at the moment, but… I’ll leave it at that.

I will remember this day and the days before as the day that crushed my whole being. Remember the feeling, like chest being crushed, choked, and the fast heartbeat with butterflies in stomach. I would really like to see where I’m bringing myself from this point.

Dear Moh, you just have to look deep inside, I’m sure the strength is down there somewhere, keep looking until you find it. Try to see the bigger picture, one day you’ll see it clearly.

Tell me

Tell me tomorrow I’ll be stronger. Tell me tomorrow I’ll have faith in myself. Tell me tomorrow I’m gonna make it. Tell me tomorrow I’m gonna forget it, the pain yesterday brought. Tell me this heart won’t be broken again.

Tell me I’m strong enough to embrace this.

Tell me brain, tell me.

Day 3 and it’s not getting better. This was the most heartbreaking fall i’ve ever had.

True what they said, berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul. I wasn’t expecting this feeling at all, such new heartbroken feeling ever, wow. This was harder than all the downfall I’ve ever experienced.

And those eyes, those pity looks, those sympathy, not making me feel any better.

April 5

Make or break day. Turned out, broken.

Devastated, not knowing what to do, how I’m gonna be. Blank. Emotions all shut down except for tears that keep running everytime I see someone’s face or hear someone’s voice.

Freshly heartbroken from the oven.

I don’t know how I’m gonna go through all of these again, the hardcore week, stressful feelings. Gah, a very tiring process.

Worst off all, i’m 99% at doubting myself right now, but I’m hoping that it’ll go away in time and this is just an acute response to what I had just now. Seriously, I need to trust myself back to get back in track.

I need some time off.

To those who tried to reach, I’m sorry I’m too fragile to be seen or spoken to right now, without causing tears running down heavily. I really appreciate your gesture and your concern, and I’m touched, very. InsyaAllah I’ll get back on my feet, soon.