Some times, I’ll be getting some message asking how am I doing, am I okay, how was my day, and stuff.
Honestly, I have no idea how I am supposed to answer all these. Cause I really don’t know how to put this (hands on chest) in words and tell you about it.
This, is not okay. It wasn’t okay and it will not be okay. My day is not good. It doesn’t get better, you just learn to forget this as day goes by. But in the next morning, it is the same process all over again. I wake up in the morning, try not to think about ‘damn, I failed my pro’ and while maintaining thoughtless mind, I shower, I put on some clothes and I go to the ward, half heartedly. Those morning steps are the heaviest steps of the day.
So, no. I have no strength to tell you, yes I am okay now, I am better now, it was all in the past, I am bersemangat now. Because the answer is no.
I feel guilty and indebted for not answering phones, or replying your text messages.
In a way, I felt relieved cause I know I have friends who cares, and I am really glad that you still remember me down here. God knows I’m touched when you say you’ll be there for me, you’re just one phone call away, you’ll come visit, and many more.
But I just can force myself to pick up the phone and tell you that I’m okay now, picking up pieces and moving on happily. And I don’t want to lie to you either by telling you that I’m doing fine. But I’m also not gonna tell you that I’ve been hiding in my room all day, feeling sad for myself, and I know I should be strong now but I just don’t have the strength. You don’t want to know and listen to that everyday do you? and I totally understand cause you have a life to go on too. I honestly don’t want to burden you with this hard-to-get-over-with-pro exam feelings.
So if you ever wonder whether I am doing okay or not, this is my answer. Emotionally it is not okay, I am being reminded of this shortcoming almost every minute of my waking hour. It sucks, trust me. But I’m still breathing, eating, sleeping, going to the ward, studying, laughing, and lazying around. Fake, not fake, even I have no idea.